Ask Dr. S: Sorry Does Not Have to Be the Hardest Word

A rupture, a break in a connection between two people, often occurs in relationships when someone is angry or hurt. Ruptures are part of every relationship. When someone tells us that we have hurt them, we do not get to tell them otherwise. But learning to take ownership of an abrasive or reactive tone of voice or hurtful words or deeds, instead of getting defensive, gaslighting or otherwise denying our contribution, is a life skill that allows us to repair a rupture. As children, repeated ruptures without repair by our primary caregivers are traumatic, as they interfere with our ability to form secure attachments which can play out for the rest of our lives in a myriad of ways. In all relationships, friendships, partnerships (personal and professional), parent-child and romantic relationships, repairing a rupture helps re-establish trust and requires more than a verbal acknowledgement of wrongdoing. A July 2024 article in Psychology Today outlines several components of a meaningful apology: admitting fault and taking responsibility, expressing genuine regret, and offering to make amends. People often seek therapy when there are ruptures without repairs in their closest relationships. Why is it so hard for so many people to apologize and mean it?

Apologizing requires vulnerability, and many of us grew up in families in which admitting fault is a sign of weakness (i.e., a loss of power and control). In these situations, pride is mistaken for strength. Accepting responsibility also triggers shame and guilt, and when someone already feels not “good enough,” avoiding apologies protects them from further harsh self-judgment. For anyone who grew up in a home in which there was abuse, apologizing feels psychologically unsafe; thus, admitting responsibility may be associated with punishment, rejection or anger. Some are actually unaware of the impact of our words and actions on others. Those who lack emotional awareness tend to minimize or deny their role, because they do not understand why another person is hurt.

One of the best gifts we can give to ourselves and others in our lives is to heal ourselves so that we can own our mistakes and express ourselves honestly, even if we grew up in a family in which apologizing was not modeled or missteps were punished harshly. For those of us who are parents, showing and teaching our children that vulnerability allows connection (and please do not demand an apology from your child because that is not an actual meaningful apology) and helps them learn that making mistakes is simply part of being human.

Psych’d to see you next month!

-Dr. S.

Dr. Hayley B. Sherwood is a longtime Clinical Psychologist in Reston/Herndon. To learn more, please visit her website at www.oakhillpsychological.com/. Please visit the About Us section on our website to learn more about our team of therapists!