When kids expect more: Understanding entitlement

By Hayley Sherwood, Columnist

I hear versions of the same comments from parents all the time: “My daughter thinks everything should go her way.” “My son can’t handle being told no.” “She thinks she deserves a better grade.” “He expects us to fix everything for him.” “She doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her.”

Sometimes the child is 6. Sometimes 16. And sometimes the “child” is 26 and still living at home while Mom and Dad are doing his laundry, making his appointments, paying his bills and wondering quietly: How did this happen?

Most parents I know are working hard to raise well-adjusted children. But I do think we have developed a habit of making life a little too comfortable and child-centered. Then we are surprised when our children expect the world to work the same way.

Psychological entitlement is the belief that we deserve special treatment, privileges or positive outcomes, even when we haven’t necessarily earned them. Entitlement can look surprisingly ordinary. It is expecting a parent to bring the forgotten homework. It is demanding a new phone because “everyone else has one.” It is becoming furious when a teacher gives a disappointing grade. It is expecting an exception to the rule or assuming that a parent will solve every problem. Sometimes it is simply being unable to hear the two most developmentally important words in the English language: “Not now.”

Every child will be selfish, demanding and unreasonable at times. The problem is when the behavior becomes a pattern and the adults around the child continually accommodate it.

Research on child development shows that children learn not only from what parents tell them but also from what parents model. One longitudinal study found that parental overvaluation—communicating to children that they are more special or deserving than other people—is associated with increases in children’s narcissistic traits over time. Parental warmth, meanwhile, was associated with healthy self-esteem. That distinction is worth remembering. Warmth says, “You are loved.” Overvaluation says, “You are better than everyone else.”

Children are watching when parents complain because the restaurant got our order wrong, insist that someone “fix this” immediately, become outraged when we have to wait or routinely demand special treatment. If we often bend the rules because our child is tired, busy, stressed or “just having a hard day,” we may be teaching them that rules are only for other people.

This is where things get tricky. Parents want their children to be happy. We want them to have opportunities and things we did not have. We want to protect them from unnecessary suffering. But there is a difference between giving a child a good life and giving a child a life in which nothing is ever difficult. So what can parents actually do?

Say no. “No” is a complete sentence. Children do not always need a 15-minute explanation of why they cannot have the newest phone, another pair of expensive sneakers or a third sleepover this week.

Stop rescuing. Your child forgot the homework? Had a disagreement with a friend? Before you jump in, ask yourself: “Is this my problem, or my child’s opportunity to learn?” Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is step back.

Give your child responsibilities. Chores are not punishment. Being part of a family means contributing to the family.

Let your child be unhappy. Children can learn to tolerate frustration, solve problems, recover from disappointment and function when life doesn’t cooperate.

Let your child earn things. There is something valuable about wanting something, working for it and eventually getting it. Teach your child to save money, wait for a birthday or work toward a privilege. Let your child experience the satisfaction of saying, “I did that.”

Teach gratitude by practicing it yourself. Thank the server. Thank the teacher. Thank your spouse. Tell your children when someone has helped you. Children learn gratitude not just by being told to be grateful but by living around grateful people.

Teach responsibility instead of blame. When something goes wrong, encourage your child to ask: “What was my part?” “What could I have done differently?” and “What can I learn?” Those questions can be more useful than “Whose fault is it?”

Model the behavior you want to see. If you want a humble child, practice humility. If you want a grateful child, practice gratitude. If you want a child who can handle criticism, let your child see you accept criticism without becoming defensive.

We do not need to deprive our children to teach them gratitude or be harsh to teach responsibility. Children need love. They also need limits.

Perhaps the best question for parents is not, “Am I giving my child enough?” but, “Am I teaching my child how to be a good person?”

Happy autumn, everyone! Psych’d to see you next month!

-Dr. S.

Do you have a question for me? Are there topics you are hoping I will write about? Please submit your suggestions to info@therestonletter.com.

Dr. Hayley B. Sherwood is a longtime clinical psychologist in Reston and Herndon. To learn more, visit www.oakhillpsychological.com/. Please visit the About Us section of our website to learn more about her team of therapists.