The Importance of Adjusting Our Expectations

By Hayley Sherwood, Columnist

Expectations allow us to have some control over our lives. Many are unconscious, meaning we generally expect things to work as they should because of how our brains are wired to make sense of the world, protect our sense of self and conserve mental effort.

This unconscious “things will go my way” expectation shows up everywhere, especially in everyday situations where we are not actively thinking about outcomes. We expect texts and emails to get replies. We expect our commute to follow the usual route and to see co-workers. We expect planes to leave on time, travel safely and get us to our destination.

Even small things follow the same pattern: we expect the coffee maker to work, food orders to be correct and weather forecasts to be accurate. We do not consciously think, “I predict a 97% chance this goes well.” Instead, our brains simply assume things will probably go smoothly.

Many people come to therapy because they are chronically disappointed by others. Clients often hold expectations that spouses, partners, parents, children, friends and co-workers will meet them.

However, no matter how much we try, we cannot control other people. In most relationships, people are generally “as is,” unless they experience a major life event such as serious illness, significant loss or another disruptive situation that prompts change.

Generally, no amount of pleading, attention-seeking, yelling or other strategies is enough to change another person. Consistently trying to manipulate someone into changing, or using maladaptive strategies such as guilt-tripping or passive aggression, are red flags and generally not indicative of a healthy relationship.

If we cannot change others, what can we do about our expectations? I am not suggesting we expect the worst from people. Instead, I encourage accepting people for who they are, as difficult as that can be.

As management consultant Peter Drucker once said, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, unless a significant life event intervenes. Be mindful that you are the only person whose behavior you can expect to control.

When we act in relationships expecting reciprocity, we can end up disappointed, frustrated, annoyed or even angry.

The next time you interact with someone, take a moment to consider their typical behavior. Does your spouse promise to be home by 5 p.m. but consistently arrive at 6? If so, expect 6 and conserve your energy, saving your reaction for the rare early arrival.

Does a friend commit to plans but often cancel at the last minute? Plan accordingly, perhaps by continuing your plans or inviting others so you are not left alone. If they do show up, you can enjoy the surprise rather than focus on the cancellation.

This approach also applies when life throws curveballs. Things happen—and will continue to happen. It rains during outdoor events, we get lost, the power goes out when we need to get ready for work and children get sick before major presentations.

We can react with strong emotion, or we can pause, take a breath, remind ourselves that life is not linear and pivot.

Happy Mother’s Day to all moms and those who serve as moms!

Psych’d to see you next month!

-Dr. S.

Do you have a question for me? Are there topics you are hoping I will write about? Please

submit your suggestions to Dr. Hayley B. Sherwood is a longtime Clinical Psychologist in Reston/Herndon. To learn more, please visit her website at www.oakhillpsychological.com/ Please visit the About Us section on our website to learn more about our team of therapists.