By Dr. Hayley Sherwood, Clinical Psychologist
We all have at least one person in our lives — a parent, an in-law, a co-worker, a spouse, or a friend, who immediately offers us solutions whenever we share something with them. We have a problem with a boss, another friend, a child, or just a situation, and, hoping to receive support or encouragement, we text or call (or talk with in person) that person with all the details, and, in response, we hear, “You should” do this or say that. We end up leaving the conversation feeling unsupported, annoyed, or dismissed. What if we could take our power back, and, instead, ask the other person for what we need FIRST? I realize this requires some vulnerability as well as some insight into other people’s skill sets, but so many relationships could thrive if we all decided to start our conversations with a simple statement: “I am venting, and I just need you to listen.”
As for the person on the receiving end of the text, call or in-person interaction, in the event that this statement is not made, what if you asked the question, "Are you venting, or would you like a solution?” before jumping in with a quick fix?
Most of us need of a good listener. According to an April 28 Psychology Today article, active listening involves five steps: receiving, understanding, remembering, evaluating, and responding. Most importantly, however, is the pausing required to listen to the substance of what the speaker says. We watch countless adults in our lives from very early on, reacting to each other, because most people are more interested in imparting their knowledge and expertise and planning a reply than listening. While those in positions of authority often have lived longer or had more life experience, that does not make their guidance best for you in your situation. Which is more important — maintaining a relationship, or being “right” about how someone else might handle a problem? Unless the situation involves safety, I would choose to preserve the relationship.
At this time of year, many high school graduates are about to embark on their next chapter. Parents, this is a particularly good time to practice resisting the urge to problem solve for your young adult child (i.e., please do not fill out job applications, college forms, etc., for your child unless you plan for your child to continue to require someone to make their lives easier down the road). Teens want and need to trust their parents to be resources, so, when teens unload or share something that is causing them worry, anxiety, or another emotion, be sure to clarify what he/she/ they needs before attempting to fix anything. Our kids will inevitably make choices with which we do not agree, and, as long as they are not in danger, we can conserve our energy for a time they might actually need our help.
If you are on the receiving end of unsolicited advice, it is important for you to pause, too, to allow yourself to consider where the other person is coming from and recognize that people come with histories, baggage, and ways of handling situations based on their own lives. Most people are not telling you what to do, trying to control you, or attacking you. Therefore, when you receive unsolicited advice, take a moment to consider the other person’s backstory and how that likely shapes their response. If you simply acknowledge what the other person suggests (e.g., “that’s an interesting idea”), rather than becoming defensive or argumentative, you will minimize the risk of even more unsolicited feedback, and, potentially damaging your relationship.
Psych’d to see you next month! -- Dr. S. Dr. Hayley B. Sherwood is a longtime Clinical Psychologist in Reston/Herndon. To learn more, please visit her website at www.oakhillpsychological.com. Please visit the About Us section on her website to learn more about their new therapists.
Commentaires