My Kid Doesn’t Listen!

By Hayley Sherwood, Columnist

I often meet with parents who wonder why their children “don’t listen.” Many are exasperated after trying “everything” to motivate their kids. That often includes some combination of yelling, issuing consequences such as taking away electronics, offering rewards like shopping trips or money, imposing long or vague grounding, restricting time with friends or assigning extra chores.

Instead, what if parents allowed children more say over certain aspects of their lives?

Giving children age-appropriate choices helps them build the skills they will need as adults, including executive functioning, self-regulation and task initiation. As children approach adolescence, natural consequences are often more effective than parent-imposed ones. In other words, consider what outcome would most likely happen on its own. When a child has the intellectual and emotional capacity, parents can begin to step back from constant direction and control.

Many children are not hungry at set mealtimes and prefer to graze throughout the day. Try to avoid bargaining with your child to “take a bite” or withholding other food if they do not like what is served. At the same time, parents are not short-order cooks. Keep a simple, nutritious option on hand—such as Cheerios—and allow your child to choose that instead of the prepared meal. Cheerios are always an option.

Turning meals into a battle is a reliable way to create stressful power struggles and may contribute to disordered eating.

It is OK if your child goes to school without a coat, forgets sneakers for gym or wears mismatched outfits. It is OK if they choose athletic shorts every day from elementary school through middle school and beyond. If your child can dress themselves, let them—and, as tempting as it may be, try to hold back commentary.

If your child feels cold or cannot participate in P.E. or recess, they may choose differently next time. If they skip combing their hair and receive unsolicited feedback from a peer, that can be a learning opportunity, too. For middle schoolers, even something like toothbrushing can become an issue best addressed by a dentist or another trusted authority figure, rather than through repeated parental reminders.

Many children need help with homework, especially early on. It can be useful to create a dedicated workspace at home, with a system for organizing papers, including a place for forms that require signatures and a brightly colored folder for items that need to be returned to school.

Some children need time to develop a system that works and may benefit from practicing how to advocate for themselves with teachers, coaches and other adults. Once routines are established—particularly by late middle school—decisions about when and how to complete work should increasingly fall to the child. Teachers, administrators, other trusted adults and peers will help reinforce accountability, creating valuable real-world learning opportunities.

Keep in mind that we only “have” our children for about 18 years, give or take. Allowing them the space to learn from experience is one of the best ways to prepare them for adulthood.

Psych’d to see you next month!

-Dr. S.

Do you have a question or a topic you’d like me to address? Please submit suggestions to info@therestonletter.com.

Dr. Hayley B. Sherwood is a longtime clinical psychologist in Reston-Herndon. To learn more, visit www.oakhillpsychological.com/, or see the About Us section to learn more about the team of therapists.