Dads, Please Take Care of Your Mental Health

By Hayley Sherwood, Columnist

I recently met with a young dad who asked me how he could better manage his stress. He explained that he has a demanding job in which he is unfulfilled and often comes home frustrated. His partner and children are happy to see him at the end of the day, but because he has not learned how to deal with his feelings, the people he loves most often get the worst of him. He has little patience for the “kid stuff” that can fill an evening: whining, disinterest in dinner, not listening at bedtime and overtired meltdowns.

Having grown up with emotionally unreliable adults, he survived by making himself small, meaning he learned to function without expressing emotional needs, overachieving in school and relying only on himself. By the time he met and married his partner decades later, he could comfortably express only two emotions: anger and withdrawal. Every time he experienced sadness, anxiety, disappointment, boredom, loneliness or other difficult emotions, he either became angry or isolated himself.

This man is not alone. Many adult men exhibit similar emotional patterns, especially those who grew up with men who modeled the same behaviors. Over time, many men have learned to push down their feelings because it feels safer than experiencing them. When feelings are not released, however, they settle within the body and eventually emerge more loudly and destructively.

By the time many men become dads, they have already mastered several essential parenting skills, such as assembling impossible toys without instructions and pretending not to notice Play-Dough permanently embedded in the carpet. What many dads have not mastered is talking openly about their mental health.

For decades, psychological research focused primarily on maternal mental health and child development. That work remains critically important. But a growing body of research now makes something abundantly clear: Fathers’ mental health profoundly shapes children’s emotional, cognitive, behavioral and relational development from infancy through adolescence. In other words, dads matter emotionally, not just structurally. Children do not simply need a father who “shows up.” They benefit from a father who is psychologically present.

For generations, men were often taught that being a “good dad” meant providing financially, remaining stoic and pushing through stress. Many men were raised with spoken and unspoken messages such as “Be strong,” “Don’t complain,” “Stop crying” and “Don’t ask for

help.” In other words, they were taught that vulnerability is weakness.

Contemporary research paints a different picture. Children thrive not simply from having an involved father, but from having an emotionally available one.

Studies show that dads who enter parenthood with untreated depression, chronic anxiety, unresolved trauma, substance misuse or high levels of stress are at greater risk for difficulties bonding with their children and supporting healthy family relationships. A 2023 meta-analysis in the Journal of Affective Disorders found significant associations between paternal mental health problems and stress surrounding fatherhood, particularly when pregnancies were unintended or dads felt emotionally unprepared. Research increasingly demonstrates that paternal mental health affects children’s emotional and developmental outcomes and has linked paternal depression and chronic distress with increased behavioral difficulties, emotional dysregulation, language delays and social problems in children.

Conversely, dads who attend to their own emotional health model something profoundly valuable: that strength includes self-awareness, emotional regulation and the willingness to seek support when needed.

Children do not need flawless fathers. In fact, children benefit far more from dads who are authentic, reflective and capable of repairing mistakes than from dads who attempt to appear invulnerable. One of the healthiest messages a father can communicate is: “Feelings are manageable, relationships can heal and asking for help is normal.”

For men considering fatherhood, emotional preparation deserves the same seriousness as financial preparation. Therapy, stress management, healthy friendships, treatment for depression or anxiety, reducing substance use, improving communication skills and addressing unresolved childhood wounds are not luxuries. They are investments in future family stability.

For dads already raising young children, it is never too late to begin. For dads of tweens and teens, mental health is just as important. Adolescents are highly perceptive and often learn to cope by watching how parents manage stress, anger, disappointment and vulnerability. Dads who can remain emotionally steady, communicative and psychologically engaged during these years help create a home environment where teenagers are more likely to discuss difficult emotions rather than hide them.

Sometimes the strongest sentence a father can say is not, “I’ve got this.” Sometimes it is, “I think I need some support.”

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads and those who serve as dads!

Psych’d to see you next month!

-Dr. S.

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Dr. Hayley B. Sherwood is a longtime Clinical Psychologist in Reston/Herndon. To learn more, please visit her website at www.oakhillpsychological.com/. Please visit the About Us section on our website to learn more about our team of therapists!