Controlling What We Can Control: Ideas for Living Through Collective Trauma

By Hayley Sherwood, Columnist

I first learned about modern day collective trauma shortly after much of the world shut down in response to the COVID pandemic. People in our community were scared of getting sick and losing their jobs and scrambled to create new routines and maintain social connections. Marriages suffered with so much together-time, and parents were overwhelmed with trying to juggle their careers, manage their children’s online academics, take care of their health, and run their households. Many lost loved ones. Others realized how views held by family and friends were contrary to their own. To this day, I frequently hear how familial and interpersonal relationships have been fractured as a result of different beliefs, values, and principles. In fact, I have spent many therapy sessions since then trying to help people make sense of these ruptures and accept what they can and cannot control.

According to American Psychological Association in their Culturally Informed Trauma and Grief Recovery Toolkit (on.apa.org/culturally-informed-trauma-toolkit), collective trauma refers to “traumas rooted in oppression or discrimination toward a minority group by a dominant group, in contrast to interpersonal trauma.” In the past weeks, I have witnessed collective trauma on an entirely new level. In abusive relationships, emotionally and otherwise, the perpetrator is often highly skilled at gaslighting and using fear, threat, and intimidation tactics to scare the victim into secrecy, submission, and paralysis, often followed by some grand gesture of “love” and numerous excuses for the abuse. Presently, all of our heads are spinning as we try to sort through overwhelming news bulletins, emails and social media posts, often followed the next day with more news “taking back” the previous days’ messages. While I believe we all need to pay attention to the news in moderation, the constant chaos leaves many of us feeling confused, distracted, overwhelmed and on edge.

So, how do we take care of ourselves and each other in the midst of it all?

It is important to control what we can control, for sure, but what does that mean in practice?

1) Pay attention to the dozens of actions and decisions that you make daily: what you wear, when you brush your teeth, which route to take for your run, what you pack for lunch, who you reach out to, and what you choose to listen to and watch.

2) Find your people and hold onto them, and, if you have not yet found your people, sign up to participate in something that interests you, a class, a workshop, or a cause.

3) Spend more time reading fiction, being creative, listening to music and podcasts, and having fun whenever possible.

4) Be sure you are breathing deeply, nourishing yourself properly, moving your body, and getting enough sleep.

Most importantly, during instability and uncertainty, please remember your humanity and show kindness to yourselves and others.

Psych’d to see you next month!

-Dr. S.

Dr. Hayley B. Sherwood is a longtime Clinical Psychologist in Reston/Herndon. To learn more, please visit her website at www.oakhillpsychological.com. Read the About Us section to learn more about her team of therapists.