Ask Dr. S: Please stop plowing the snow

By Hayley Sherwood, Columnist

As parents, we are responsible for raising children who are prepared to become independent, self-sufficient adults. Barring intellectual, developmental, or social-emotional challenges that may require a longer period of support, we have roughly 18 years to do so.

There are, of course, many paths to adulthood—college, trade school, a gap year, or the military, among lthem. While how young adults develop their academic and professional identities certainly matters, I am far more concerned with the ways parents undermine their children’s ability to become emotionally independent adults.

Parents often get in their children’s way from a very young age, frequently without realizing it. In many cases, this happens because they have internalized their own parents’ missteps and unconsciously repeat them.

Snowplow parenting—also known as lawnmower or bulldozer parenting—occurs when parents, like a snowplow clearing roads, remove all obstacles from their children’s lives so they never experience disappointment, frustration, discomfort, or failure. In doing so, parents deprive their children of opportunities to take ownership of themselves and to develop critical problem-solving and coping skills. These children often grow into adults who struggle to advocate for themselves, show vulnerability, tolerate difficult emotions, or choose healthy relationships. As a result, they may be at greater risk for issues ranging from addiction and self-harm to profound loneliness.

Many mental health providers, educators, authors, podcasters, and others speak about the mental health crisis among today’s youth. Parents who have snowplowed every academic, social (including athletic and artistic), and emotional challenge their children encounter may believe they are helping. In reality, they are handicapping them.

Consider this scenario: a 10-year-old boy does not make the travel baseball team. He feels sad and cries after hearing the news. Instead of asking how he feels, listening with empathy, and allowing him the time and space to process his disappointment, a snowplow parent may contact the coach, berate him for rejecting their son, demand an explanation, and badmouth the coach, the league, or both—to friends, family, and even online. In the first scenario, the child learns that it is safe to express his emotions and that sadness and disappointment are part of life. In the second, he learns none of that; instead, he learns to deflect responsibility and blame others. Unfortunately, I hear far too often about parents who swoop in and attack teachers, administrators, coaches, music and theatre directors, and countless others who oversee children’s activities—many of whom are volunteers.

Parents who cannot tolerate their children’s discomfort often have unresolved issues of their own. These may include growing up with parents who were emotionally or physically absent, overly harsh or critical, controlling, or abusive. As parents, we are our children’s primary role models and their first relationships—the ones that set the stage for all others. It is critically important that we heal ourselves (which does not mean “fixing” ourselves, as no human is ever truly “fixed”). Healing means doing the work required to become self-aware, to accept responsibility, and to remain open to growth. Otherwise, we risk passing our unmet needs and unresolved pain on to our children. Our children are their own people, not reflections of their parents’ pasts.

Stay warm and safe in the actual snow!

Psych’d to see you next month!

-Dr. S.

Dr. Hayley B. Sherwood is a longtime Clinical Psychologist in Reston/Herndon. To learn more,

please visit her website at www.oakhillpsychological.com/. Please visit the About Us section on our website to learn more about our team of therapists!