Ask Dr. S.: Control yourself

Feeling the need to be in control is natural. We prefer to know what’s happening in different areas of our lives so that we feel secure and our world feels more predictable. Uncertainty often leaves us unsettled, distressed, and uncomfortable. Taking control, on the other hand, allows us to feel more confident and less vulnerable.

So, what is actually within our control? If you are reading this article, the answer is simple: you. Your actions, thoughts, and emotions are entirely within your control. From the moment we wake up (including when we choose to do so) to the moment we go to sleep (and, hopefully, choose to do so), our lives are up to us. While outside influences certainly affect us, everything we do—including how we respond—remains in our control.

The key is to focus our need for control on the things we truly can influence. Problems arise—at home, at work, and in relationships—when we try to control other people. Many individuals end up in therapy frustrated that their partner, child, friend, boss, or family member “just won’t listen” or “refuses to change.” After more than 25 years in clinical practice, I can say with confidence: no one changes simply because we want them to.

People are generally consistent. Take the example of a sister-in-law who never thanks you for hosting the family holiday. You may feel annoyed at her lack of gratitude, but in that moment you have a choice. Do you expend energy on someone behaving as she always has? Or do you save your energy and notice when her behavior does shift? If one year she actually thanks you, that is worth responding to with a genuine, “Thanks, Susan, that means a lot to me!”

Expecting someone to change because we love them “enough” or believe we know what is best can breed resentment, hostility, and toxic cycles in relationships. In reality, people don’t change unless they themselves are uncomfortable enough to do so. Often it takes a significant life event—loss, crisis, or trauma—for that kind of discomfort to push us toward change. Researchers such as James Prochaska, John Norcross, and Carlo DiClemente, who developed the widely known “Stages of Change” model, have explained why making lasting change is so challenging. Psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun also have written about how people sometimes grow in unexpected and positive ways after experiencing trauma.

And here’s something else to remember: what feels uncomfortable for you may not feel uncomfortable for someone else. So, the next time you feel tempted to push another person to change, pause and redirect your energy. Focus instead on what you can control: yourself.

Psych’d to see you next month!

-Dr. S.

Dr. Hayley B. Sherwood is a longtime Clinical Psychologist in Reston/Herndon. To learn more,

please visit her website at www.oakhillpsychological.com/

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